PART SEVEN
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You know how people say
“It’s important to listen to your child’s hopes and dreams.”
I thought of that when our older boys were little and they used to
wake up in the morning and tell me exceptionally long portions of
their dreams that involved spaceships and getting to a planet and
finding it was a supermarket but at the back there was a tunnel, and
Sonic said “ZZZ is waiting for us with Mario” .. and I patiently
sat and listened. What a good Mummy. This, of course is not what
the inventor of the term “hopes and dreams” was meaning.
And now I shall bore you
with a dream I had a few years back. I was selling things at a
market stall, and everything I was selling, all the little trinkets
and games and fiddly things – they were all iridescent. Actually,
that’s all I’ll tell because that was the most important thing -
the word was impressed upon my head, iridescent … iridescent …
even after waking, and apparently, just as a side note, people with
normal brains – neurotypical people tend not to be able to hold
onto tightly to music or ideas from their dreams quite so easily as
quirky people. It seems that the reality of life is “more real”
to them, and it presses down upon their dreams after they wake and
the dreams burst like thin soap bubbles. But quirky people, for
whatever reason, may be able to hold those ideas, snatches of music,
whole songs, computer information for a game they are making etc, and
even after waking and starting their day, if they are not overly
stressed or made anxious (and, unfortunately a lot of people on the
spectrum become anxious as soon as they wake up – especially
children on the spectrum who have to go to school), the idea can
formulate and grow in their minds.
Well, back to my dream
with IRIDESCENT – first I looked it up, thinking that if God had
impressed this on my mind there would be a meaning. And I found that
iridescent means:
Showing luminous
colours that seem to change when seen from different angles – or
shining with many
different colours when seen from different angles.
In Latin iris means
‘rainbow’, and escent means ‘I become’.
Quirky children are
iridescent.
When I figured this out I
was once again so grateful that God had directed me toward home
education 20 years ago, and more than that, he showed me natural home
education where our children can indeed shine with many different
colours when seen from different angles. There has been no muddying
of their rainbows, their bubbles have not been popped, they are
bright and shining. And if people look at them and can’t see that,
then they’re looking at them from the WRONG ANGLE.
Just recently I received a
very big compliment from a psychologist who had been working with one
of our children. She said it was a joy to meet our family and that
our children were so ALIVE. I was boosted and encouraged greatly
hearing this.
Speaking
of psychologists I'd just like to say a quick note on diagnosis and
labels.
Quirky
is not a problem in itself, but if it gets to the stage where it
starts to ruin a life, gets in the way of relationships, makes others
have to walk on egg-shells around them, or you have a persistant and
nagging thought that something isn't quite right and you're worried
that ignoring or denying that there is a problem will lead to bigger
problems later in this person's life, then you might need to find
someone to help.
Finding
the right person to assess and diagnose yourself or your child, or
your husband or wife, is still rather a hit and miss affair as so
much is still being learned about the wiring of the brain. In a
nutshell, apparently, and I'd like to come back to that word
APPARENTLY in a bit, but in a nutshell, it seems that quirky people,
those on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum have all
the right bits of the brain there – it's the connections that are
either missing or wired up differently. This may not be a problem at
all for some “differently wired” people, but in today's society
problems ARE going to happen at some point.
For
myself I remember it starting when my mother took me to a playgroup.
It was held in a large church hall. Each corner of the hall was set
out with exciting activities or play equipment. The noise and the
action were too much for me. I clung to my Mum. I think she stayed
with me for a while to see if I'd like it, but then she took me home.
Home was wonderful! A place of quiet and calm, familiarity and
predictability. The next big shock for me was school. We'd just moved
from London to Nelson and were staying in a motel until Dad's work
could get the company house ready for us short-term till he bought a
house. Over the road from the motel was Hampden Street school. I felt
dizzy and sick, and cried and sobbed like my heart was breaking. I
felt like my head was going to explode and it’s a wonder I could
even breath. I remember the feeling even now. My Mum had to leave.
I didn’t get any better. The school called for my big brother to
come out of his classroom and sit with me – very tiresome for him.
Then joyously but rather painfully, I fell down some concrete steps
and fractured my collarbone and was off school for quite some months.
Over
the years my quirkiness remained, but I was quiet and quirky, not
bothering anyone much. Mum and Dad said they were always worried that
I didn't have friends to do things with. I was much happier on my
own, reading, making dolls houses but not playing with them, teaching
myself to type, daydreaming, writing, writing and more writing - I
didn't see a problem with it.
I
didn’t think my quirkiness noticed too much – but Steve noticed
it. He loved that I was different and I am very grateful that he
chose me. Well, he said that he had no choice, I was pursuing him.
I fell in love very quickly with Steve. He was different too.
Subsequently we have been blessed with seven quirky children. Well,
perhaps the baby is neuortypical, we'll see – but the 5 year old
right up to the 21 year old are Aspies or Aspergians – my darling,
beautiful children.
As
I said, being assessed and diagnosed isn't an easy path. I believe it
will get better as the experts get their act together and consult
more with adults who are on the spectrum or wired differently
themselves. There still seems to be a big gap between what the
professionals know about Aspergers and what the Aspies themselves
have figured out, especially in relation to women and girls on the
spectrum.
There
are only TWO things are known for sure about quirkiness – this is
my own deep and intelligent theory – I came up with it one day
whilst feeding the baby: “Quirkiness is either genetic – or it's
not”. So, I was wondering, are quirky children happier if they
are raised by quirky parents? Only if they’re quirky ACCEPTING
and SUPPORTIVE parents. Regular parents can be accepting and
supportive too I guess. I DO know that children are not happy when
the parents major on intolerance, unhealthy authoritarism, lack of
interest, neglect and criticism. Regular children are unhappy in
this situation, and quirky children are EXTREMELY unhappy and could
EASILY be driven to drastic measures which would break your heart to
hear about.
Apparently
– and there's the word “apparently” again, I WILL come to that
in a minute, traits of the autism spectrum can be likened to puzzle
pieces. One piece may be “uncomfortable in crowds” another may be
“exhausted by social contact” another may be “interest
bordering on obsession with particular subjects for extended times”
and another might be “not able to work out what other people are
thinking” or “becomes anxious very easily” etc. A person may
have one or two of those traits, and they also may have worked out
ways to deal with those challenges in everyday life. However, when a
person has many of those traits – so many puzzle pieces that the
picture of autism starts to be come very clear, then they are sure to
have problems with life – either obviously – showing on the
outside (yelling, screaming, hitting things, self-harm) or turned
internally (lack of self-respect, eating disorders, inability to form
relationships, dishonesty to avoid confrontations, beating themselves
up about not coping, withdrawal from society etc). That's when a
diagnosis CAN help – someone acknowledges the severity of the
symptoms, and is able to give it a name which then, in theory means
you can seek assistance, research ways that can help, find others who
may have real-life solutions for you and hopefully move ahead.
However,
even if you only see a few puzzle pieces – a few traits then those
things are still deserving of REAL acceptance, not denial. If someone
does not like crowds then it is respectful to nut out what exactly is
going on. Does their pulse race, do they sweat, is their mind buzzing
annoyingly, are they unable to think or move? Or are they tired in a
crowd, enjoying the social contact but it makes them weary? Do they
WANT to learn how to deal with being in a crowd? Then help them take
steps to that result.
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