PART FOUR
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Often very young children WANT to do the sweeping and
the helping and I would never suggest pushing those little ones away.
Slow down with your tasks and take your eyes off the personal things
you'd like to get done in a day. Quirky children, and especially
those gifted or on the autism spectrum may need to be taught over and
over, and over and over for years and years in relation to life
skills. You must keep your relationship with them sweet and close
for those lessons to be of any value.
Montessori education is a good source
of ideas for life skills – make a list so you can revisit it from
time to time. There are things such as dusting, carrying a chair
correctly, opening and closing drawers, weeding the garden, first
aid, cleaning up dropped food, setting the table – so many skills
that we presume children will pick up, and sometimes they do, but we
mustn't
presume they will. I have included some ideas on the handout to get
you started with your own list.
Just a note that our older boys are
now extremely competent with many aspects of life skills, despite my
lack of early training with them. I attended a session in a flatting
workshop with our oldest that he was encouraged to do. I was shocked
at the skills they need to teach the young people – things we took
for granted as being part of normal life (like how to use a 2nd
hand shop, looking for flats on trademe, how to consider other people
that you live with) – but there are young people who have never
been taught these things. It confirmed to me that I had done ok even
though in the early years I thought I’d dropped the ball on these
issues.
It can be very difficult with some
children to get them interested in learning these skills – and
there is no use pushing them. Internal motivation is required.
Figure out for your child what motivates them. One of the best
internal motivations is for a child to want
to be with you,
spending time talking, relaxing and discussing something with you
whilst the task is being done. This is the sort of safe and
comfortable environment where a child will learn and retain much of
what they do. It also builds strong and pleasant memories for them.
If YOU are doing the task, and they are free to come alongside you,
even if they forget what they are doing and sit and talk instead,
then they are still learning and seeing the task take place.
Gifted and quirky children need to see the value in what
they are doing, they should care about how and what they do, be
really engrossed and interested in the subject, see a reward of some
sort awaiting them – short and long-term goals set by themselves,
but they might need you to figure that out for them.
Just a note there on motivation. When I first learned
that children on the spectrum can be very hard to motivate, that they
tend to automatically think “What’s in it for me?” I was
unhappy with that “I don’t think that’s good enough!” was the
thought that sprung to my mind. However, most frustratingly I have
found it to be extremely evident in a couple of our children. It can
look like extreme self-centredness, or selfishness – but it’s
not. Maybe people could say it’s a character flaw, or something
needs to be overcome. Yes, and yes – but the biggest challenge is
knowing HOW to overcome the “What’s in it for me?” In the
case of one of our children I know we have come a long way, but it is
still a great struggle for him – and I’m not sure exactly HOW we
overcame the problem. I’d say it had a lot to do with keeping our
relationship healthy, gentle pushing – just the right amount –
but overall not expecting him to do more than he was able to do.
I’ve heard that gifted children can be caught up in a
cycle of arguing and looking like they are underachieving because
people are trying to motivate them to their highest potential. I
remember our oldest seemed to have what I called “a holiday from
using his brain” from around age 8 to about 18. In my heart I
knew that backing off was the right thing to do, and it was a
blessing that with lots of morning sickness and babies in those years
I did back off a lot. When he appeared to switch his brain back on
it was revealed that A MASSIVE amount of learning and figuring out
had gone on all those years. I was so blessed that I hadn’t pushed
and pushed him. When I look back on the written work (the “proof”
that we were doing “schoolwork”) that this boy produced during
those years it was pretty minimal, and half-hearted, and I realise
now that it even that work wasn’t necessary for this particular
child. In fact, in consultation with our second oldest he gave me
this absolute gem of information. If you get nothing else out of
this talk I hope you will remember this. My son said that rather
than reading through a textbook (a good, carefully chosen textbook,
like the science books by Dr Jay Wile – highly recommended ) and
then writing questions and answers – it would have been much more
beneficial to read the book through, as though you were reading a
lovely novel. Discuss things that come up naturally, not labouring
the “educational value” of the book - allow children to interrupt
with questions or comments (this used to drive my husband mad when he
first started reading to the children – I had forgotten to warn him
that children “interrupting”, respectfully, was actually an
incredibly effective way to read a book together) – so you read the
book through, chatting comfortably, and when you finish the book you
put it on the shelf and get it down next year or after some other
space of time and read it again, enjoying it like a classic piece of
literature. When my son told me this it was like scales fell from
my eyes and I realised how solid this piece of information was he was
giving me. Of course! If you’re learning a foreign language you
don’t try and rush through book one and say “There – I’ve
read it, now onto book two”. That would be hopeless if you hadn’t
digested and remembered everything from book one. As soon as a new
concept came up in book two you’d be thinking “Vas vollen ze
what?” And so, would it be good to push yourself on, finish book
two and go onto book three? No, no no! Read the book, enjoy it,
digest what you can. Put it on the shelf then bring it out again.
It reminds me of the Five In A Row series where each
day, for five days, you read a picture book, and at the end of the
reading you look at one aspect of that book – whether it be the
artwork, or where it was set in the world. Once this is learned it
can be used quite naturally with any book you read. The book and the
learning becomes the child’s “own”, and they often joy in
sharing what they remember from it when the subject comes up again.
Beware of spoiling the book for the child if they don’t want to do
this though.
I just thought as I wrote that “I
WANT” and “I DON’T WANT” are a nasty part of human nature.
We can
squash that down in a child, like the little boy who was told to sit
down several times, and then finally did but mumbled “I’m still
standing up on the inside” – or we can lead the children gently
away from these I want, I don’t want battles inside by building a
positive relationship with them where they feel they can really
communicate with you.
Back
to life skills – another excellent way to have the children learn
life skills and do a share of work is to schedule the tasks before a
desired activity. Most of you will know this tactic, but it can
really requires some detective work on your part to know what sort of
activity will be exciting enough to keep the motivation going. I use
this for myself as I am what I've called an EVHDP which is Extremely
Very Highly Distracted Person. If I am writing or drawing or
listening to music I can stay on task beautifully! But changing
sheets, drying the dishes, getting all the socks, books, toys and
papers out from under the bed of the child who struggles with
organisation, making a shopping list, putting washing away … those
things are very hard for me to stay on task with. So I keep in mind a
nice treat that I will allow myself when I have finished – it might
be doing a bit of knitting, or some art. I fall down on this so many
times in a day that I completely understand when the children get
distracted. I endeavour to bring them back cheerfully and without
guilt, so they will learn to do it themselves eventually.
**
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