Here
are the notes from a talk I did in relation to:
HOME
EDUCATION and the QUIRKY CHILD
Part
One:
*
* * *
First
I’d like to outline what I mean by “quirky”. A quirky person
may be quirky due to Asperger’s or Autism Spectrum Disorder,
PDD-NOS, anxiety, depression, nervousness, hyper-sensitivity,
hyper-emotional, intense, emotional regulation dysfunction,
Tourette’s Syndrome … I guess there are more and there are heaps
of quirky people who haven’t worked out why they are quirky, and
are possibly quite happy that way.
There
is also another term I picked up recently – twice exceptional or 2e
children. These are the children who are gifted, but also have other
challenges such as Aspergers, Tourettes or anxiety it seems. I was
very keen to learn about this as we have one definite, perhaps two or
three of these children. I don’t want to portray Quirky People as
having only challenges and hurdles in their lives. I have consulted
other quirky people on this and have come up with some of the most
well-known and wonderful strengths that, specifically, people with
Asperger’s Syndrome (because that is what I am most aware of
myself) may have: not everyone with AS will have these strengths,
but they could: honesty, sincerity, attention to detail, STRENGTHS
I
think most people would agree that QUIRKY may often have trouble
fitting into “normal society” - whatever that might be. Perhaps
you could say “regular society”. Quirky people, or those who are
neurologically different, often don't WANT to fit into regular
society because they look at it from the outside and see a lot of
people who are nasty, two-faced, lying, conniving, intolerant,
impatient, hostile, confusing people in regular society. That’s
not to say that quirky people are all patient, passive and pleasant
to be with – but on the whole they tend to be more straight-forward
and any dishonesty is usually from misunderstanding.
Well,
a bit about ourselves, and some background on why my passions are
natural learning and quirkiness.
Our
first child, Michael, was born nearly 22 years ago. He was
extremely high need, a very unhappy baby, difficult to get to sleep,
easily woken, crying when awake most of the time. I thought I was
doing it all wrong and that I was a bad mummy. I remember crying to
my mum saying “The book says you’re supposed to know what their
cry means – whether they’re hungry or tired. I can’t
understand him!” The first six months were nightmarish. For some
reason, when he was around 15 months I totally forgot how horrible it
had been and we decided to have another baby.
So
when Michael was just over 2 years old his little brother David came
long. I noticed something startlingly different between Michael and
David. Even as a tiny baby David stared right at me, he looked at me
like I was the most beautiful person in the world. It took my breath
away. Later I realised that Michael didn’t make eye contact. In
later years I would coach him in how to make eye contact, not too
much, not too little. I’ve learned that many mothers do this with
children on the spectrum and as a result the children’s eye contact
is still not “natural” and oftentimes they have an almost
unblinking stare. It is best, if your child finds it painful or
difficult to make eye contact with people to discuss with them why it
is important to other people when you’re talking to them, but leave
the child to find their own comfort level as they get older.
Another difference was that David loved cuddles and squeezes. His
rages (which were quite often) could be calmed by “Squeezing his
angries out”. Michael on the other hand avoided any body contact
at all.
As
the boys grew they were Hard Work. Very busy, extremely intelligent
and creative. Steve has said that I was so frazzled and worn out
with them, and frequently very unhappy by the end of the day, that
often he didn’t want to come home from work. He would get into the
van at 5 o’clock (or 6, or 7) and fight against the urge to drive
in the opposite direction. We’ve sadly discovered that parents
with special needs children have so much pressure on their marriage
that it is a miracle for them to stay together. By God’s grace, we
have now been married 23 years, it is a truly a miracle which I am
ever grateful for.
If
you find yourself in a situation where your marriage is getting at
all shaky you MUST seek SOLID help, or ask a friend to find a
counsellor or someone else who can help you if you’re not in a
position to go and look for yourself.
Sadly
I see so much selfishness in marriages, and too many people willing
to give extremely unhelpful and selfish advice to those going through
troubled times. We don’t necessarily need a friend to agree with
us if we complain about our spouses or for that matter our children.
We need someone who understands, can listen to us let off steam, and
then remind us gently what we could be doing to help the situation.
I am blessed with friends like this, and I pray that you can find
some too because having quirky children or a quirky husband, or being
quirky yourself can throw some huge challenges into your life.
So,
speaking of spouses I know that some husbands are extremely sceptical
when they first hear about home education. When I first suggested it
to Steve he certainly was. I was the one doing all the research
and talking to people – he didn’t know anything about it, and I
have subsequently realised that he felt a little out of the loop.
He also had some very negative ‘advice’ coming from people close
to him about how much the boys would miss out on things from not
being at school etc. However, I was extremely passionate about it –
I had no doubt at all that it would work. I just knew this was
supposed to be.
I
had been wanting to move to the country for several years when we
finally found a piece of land to put a house on. During the time of
waiting for the title to come available and to sell our house in the
suburbs God convicted us about having more children. Very long
story short, 9 years later we were living comfortably in a partially
renovated relocated Villa on 2 and a half acres. Our family had
grown from two children to six children. We were unschooling and on
the whole loving it.
So
now we arrive in the story to the time Michael was 17, and having
previously had no interest in social contact, decided he’d like a
circle of friends and maybe a job. This was completely natural
timing for him – he was ready. Unfortunately this is where
everything in the story went difficult and wrong – starting with no
suitable jobs, going on to Michael being very brave and working in a
couple of jobs that were unsuitable for his sensory and neurological
issues, major problems and massive amounts of stress dealing with
Work & Income, and it went on from there. Over the next three
years we had all six of the children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum
Disorder – it is actually Asperger’s Syndrome that they have, and
I had made a zillion phone calls trying to get relevant therapy and
help. Most of the time I was confused and drowning in challenging
behaviour and lack of support. I wavered back and forth between “I
can handle this myself” and “I need help!” I wanted someone
to march in and take over – giving everyone orders and sorting out
the whole mess – everything from meals and laundry, education,
discipline, schedules, routines, chores, bathtime and bedtime. But
I knew this wasn’t possible, and even if it was it wouldn’t solve
our problems or suit our family.
Over time, because I
needed to, and then later because I was driven to, I have learned
more and more about quirky children, and at the same time, very
naturally I have abandoned more and more traditional schooling
methods. My mother has supported us with this – she has always
told me to pick my battles, and right now, with these children, our
focus is on character qualities and life skills. Academics come way
down the list, but strangely, or perhaps NOT so strangely even with
academics way down the list these children are wonderfully
intelligent. Hmm, can it be that natural education works just as
well, if not BETTER than traditional methods?
End
of Part One.
This
series will be continued in blog posts to come!
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