A topic recently came up on our facebook group where a mum was concerned that her daughter didn't seem to be motivated to do anything "school work" wise.
I've been thinking about this situation, and other families where I've seen a similar thing happen, so this information isn't just for that mum, its for all parents who are concerned about children having "a holiday from learning".
I believe it was Sandra Dodd who invented the annual "Do Nothing" day. It's absolutely impossible, but it gets the message across to people who say "If I let my child decide what to do they'd do nothing all day."
I may be over-simplifying it, but I think there are two options in relation to life at home with a child: the child does schoolwork or the child does not do schoolwork.
In scenario one the child does schoolwork. Why? Because they are told to, or because they are motivated. If they are doing it because they are told to their enjoyment will be low to nil. If they are self-motivated their enjoyment will be higher (if they are motivated by external means i.e., the promise of a reward they may complete the task, but how much will be retained? I don't agree with everything Alfie Kohn says, but he does speak sense on this topic).
I do accept the fact that some children with low/no motivation actually end up enjoying something once it's been started, yes, I have seen that happen, but on the whole a parent can sense whether there is going to be any interest or not, and a parent can also call a halt to the whole thing when it seems to be dragging or spoiling life in general.
In scenario two the child does not do schoolwork.
So what DO they do all day?
And does the parent choose the child's activities, or the child direct their own?
If the parent is annoyed at everything the child chooses to do it will wreck their relationship.
And so, there needs to be some sort of agreement. As a member of the family team do you want your child to do housework, gardening, or participate in family decisions? Is there room for a small job outside the family? If so, would some of the child's earnings be directed back to the family income? If the child wants to participate in activities such as sport, dancing, art groups etc how would the travel and enrolment/equipment cost be worked out? Is the child being responsible with their own belongings, and those of the parents?
Don't have a meeting about it when everyone is hot under the collar and fresh from an argument.
Perhaps the meeting can take place sitting in the park whilst eating an icecream.
Talk about your concerns for the now, concerns for the future.
LISTEN to your child. They possibly don't share your concerns. Some children are far-sighted, but most have the lovely gift of living IN THE NOW. And so why would they care about what you're saying ... short term/long term plans ... saving money ... learning things now for the future ... qualifications ... job ... volunteering to get experience.
If you have been living with a fractured relationship, with arguing, bitterness, disrespect then I believe that's where you've got to start with your "new project". Mend things.
You probably need to write some ideas down, brainstorm, just get it down and tidy it up later. Don't criticize any suggestions from your child. Don't wreck the flow of ideas and conversation by pointing out the problems with sleeping from 4am till 4pm*, just write it down. Be neutral. You might have to try hard if some of the ideas they are brave enough to share with you are outlandish or bizzare. Ask them to think about jobs they've always liked the look of, or even make a list of things they REALLY don't want to do in the future.
So we've kind of got off the subject of "schoolwork" here, and a parent might feel very frustrated, looking at the POTENTIAL the child has, but seeing it "wasted" by a lazy child who can't be bothered doing anything all day.
TAKE FAITH dear parent! That child who appears "too lazy to learn" is possibly soaking up (learning) many, many things about the world.
My advice - decide on the "must do" list (personal hygiene, looking after belongings, household chores, if they are allowed to participate in things etc) and then leave the child alone. Let them choose what they do all day, within safe and moral bounds.
Let them read, write, paint, draw, cook, walk, run, bike, build things, play with toys, sculpt, craft - with no overseer judging the "worth" of their project. Don't give them a score out of 10, don't correct bits they got wrong, enjoy their enthusiasm and delight in the process.
Would this be hard for you as their parent? Could you agree to trying it for 6 months?
During that 6 months period make an extra effort to include your child in discussions, decisions, research on potential purchases, ask their advice in relation to maintenance on things, don't be so capable that everyone else in the family feels like their existence doesn't make any difference to the family or the world. Make an EXTRA BIG effort to not criticize or correct your child's efforts.
Oh, I could go on and on about this ... but I won't for now as my children have waited patiently whilst I have written this, and something very exciting is happening in our home today, so I must away.
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*I believe that science is catching up with the fact that children going through a certain body and brain growth period (around 13 - 18 I think??) do need MORE sleep. A consistent bedtime (watch them to see when they get tired, and try to gently, firmly, lovingly and respectfully get them into bed before they get their second wind) is a very healthy thing, but for some children it might be hard to get up in the mornings even if they managed to get themselves off to sleep before midnight. There is certainly a problem with getting into the habit of going to bed later and later, but be aware that some children may get into bed tired at 9.30 and still be staring at the ceiling until 10.30 or 11.00. Discuss it with your child and see what is really going on for them. Don't make rules just for the sake of it, try and find something that really works for them.
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