NATURAL EDUCATION and the QUIRKY CHILD - Part Ten

A friend of mine recently made a comment that because of some major things that happened to her as a child that took control away from her it has led to some problems in her adult life that she could easily do without.

This led me to research self-regulation some more and think about the whole process of finding a balance. I think if anyone teaches an “all or nothing” mentality “follow my teachings and my directions 100% or you will FAIL” there will be big problems if a family wants to give certain teaching a try, but feels that any deviation from the way it is specifically taught will be certain failure and the feeling that they didn’t try hard enough.  Not naming names, but there is a certain baby training program that I know works this way, and also some child training advice that goes along these lines.

 I know for myself, that without any pressure from outside I put a lot of pressure on myself when we had our 5^th baby and I wanted to do elimination communication – otherwise known as infant potty training. I wanted to do an ALL OUT excellent try at it. That baby was out of a nappy for most of his first months and every few days I would note when he woke in the night, whether he was wet, or wanted to use the potty, after a few months I became totally exhausted, mentally and physically.

I gave myself permission to give up and put a nappy back on, but I felt that it wouldn’t be fair on the baby at that point, and I couldn’t give up the hope that this was really going to work if I stuck at it. We reach a point around 4 months where he would throw himself back as soon as I held him over the potty and he got very angry about it. So, he made the decision for us, and I backed right off. In the end he was toilet trained very quickly and easily when the time was right, and he was dry at night at an earlier age than any of our other boys. Our 6^th baby was VERY part-time held over the potty, once again he was completely potty trained relatively easily and dry and night in good time. Our 7^th and latest baby has been held over the potty a lot since birth and our communications are very good. He has a lot of wet nappies, and some dirty ones too - but everything is going well because my ATTITUDE towards doing it is more healthy – my main focus is the working on COMMUNICATION between my baby and me. I am hoping that my baby feels he is loved and respected because of my attitude towards him. He is going to start doing baby sign language soon – well, as soon as he figures out how to control his hands and arms – we can see him watching us when we sign “up” before we pick him up, the little cogs are turning in his brain, it is very precious to see.

Perhaps if communication, understanding and respect are held very highly then areas of self-regulation can be agreed upon between parents and children. I think this could be very healthy, and when I look at our family I realise we have already done this without putting it into words. But, having now clarified that thought more I will watch to see where we can give the children more areas of self-regulation for the good of everyone short-term and long-term.

As I do, I happened to be reading a case study of an 11 year old school child who was fidgety, bored, in trouble for being “off task”, suspected of having ADHD, daydreaming, not learning basic information required by the district and state curriculum standards, underachieving although tested in the 99^th percentile … blah blah blah … His mother noted that this child’s father was also very high energy and the boy and his Dad would spend time building rockets together and that the child could sit still for hours when engaged in challenging work of his own selection. The article went on to say that the child, who was obviously gifted, needed to learn self-regulation strategies plus an individual set of skills to achieve in the classroom …

About this point in reading I got angry because they had TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT. This child was bright! He was motivated in areas of interest! He loved spending time with his father, building rockets! WHY should he put so much energy and waste his childhood on learning to conform to classroom standards and behaviour when he had so many gifts and skills ready and waiting to blossom and give to the world. People might say “But you have to learn to conform in the classroom – it’s training for the real world.” By their own admission people are then saying that the classroom is not the real world – TRUTH - the classroom is so FAR REMOVED from the real world because when one grows up one hardly ever has to sit for hours and hours, day after day, year after year in classes full of people all the same age as you, pushing information into your head only be regurgitated at the end to pass a test and be given a grade which may subsequently lead to a piece of paper to show you listened and remembered or cheated.

Actually, speaking of exams – as I mentioned before we don’t do tests and exams. When we had our first and only review with the ERO the gentleman said “How do you know the boys are learning if you don’t test them.” I thought about it for a while, and God gave me the right words “Because when we come around on a subject the second time they’ll excitedly tell me what they’ve remembered.”

One more point about qualifications: I do believe, from what I hear in relation to home educated graduates, that people “out in the world” are becoming more and more canny in relation to employing home educated young people – despite many of them not having formal qualifications. It also seems that a lot of home ed graduates take off with their own businesses pretty early if that’s where their skills and passions take them.

Are there instances where a self-regulated child may struggle because they have to do something they don’t enjoy? YES? Everyone has those – often in relation to things like GST returns or unblocking the sink or taking the half-dead bird out of the cat’s mouth because mummy doesn’t want to touch it. But a self-regulated person who has been taught good character skills, who SEES THE POINT in having to do these unpleasant tasks receives enough self-motivation to achieve a positive result. “What’s in it for me” – the question that some people have trouble pushing to the back of their mind, could be answered “I want to help Mum” or “it would kind for this person, and I would like kindness done to me so I will do this”. Oh Boy! Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Sounds like the golden rule comes in very handy here. AND I believe this is a massive, massive part of finding the right place to teach and train these children and allow them to blossom and grow – not only the golden rule – but all of scripture! God’s word to us today, now, relevant as the day it was written. Pray! Ask God for His direction. Does it sound like cheating? It’s not – it’s the plan! The way it should be. God is big enough and yet cares enough about even the smallest things. Doing this without God is pretty much like jumping overboard into a stormy sea without a lifejacket, nothing to hold onto, no companions, no light and no hope of being saved.

Well, there you are, I did warn you that I’m pretty passionate about these subjects – I’m just so sad when I see people who haven’t heard or figured these things out for themselves and they are struggling without hope. I struggle, a lot. I have major challenges to cope with every day, but my struggle is not alone. I’m God’s child and He has promised never to leave me or forsake me. He also promised never to give me more than I can cope with. And he’s given me solid, dependable friends that remind me of God’s promises when I feel myself slipping into the dark depths.

Whether or not you allow your children to self-regulate it can be quite tricky explaining some of the choices you have made for your family to people. Some people are only expressing a polite interest, others may want to gather information to use against you maliciously – I would never have believed that until it happened to me. Laughable now, but not at the time, was the fact that one of the allegations my attacker used against me was the fact that I taught the children basic sign language. From my point of view this is a fantastic tool as I mentioned earlier – babies learn they can communicate with you from very early on, and older children don't have to panic if they need to signal from across a roomful of people. But the way it was used maliciously against me made me sound like a hateful tyrant who controlled and manipulated my scared and down-trodden children secretly by the use of signs so nobody else knew what was going on.

If you have made choices for your family that others may not understand and will probably disagree with it's better to keep it quiet unless

1. someone needs your advice
2. some wants to support you
3. you are very brave, or
4. you have the ability to genuinely not care about what anyone else thinks.

I recently heard of a mother who allows her child unrestricted access to a certain computer game when necessary. This particular child has bi-polar disorder, and during certain episodes the noise and confusion in her head stops her from sleeping or functioning normally. At those times she can be calmed and distracted by concentrating on this certain computer game.

These sort of decisions are not a subject to be decided by others – to be picked over in what I call “Smoko room gossip” where people tend to repeat phrases they've heard and think they agree with even though they haven’t lived with it, researched it, or even thought about it at all. Dr Libby Weaver is quoted as saying “Don’t judge someone’s story by the chapter you just walked into.”

People can so easily perpetrate myths and endorse certain ideas unknowingly depending on who they are speaking to. It can be difficult standing up to these people, trying to explain things, and very hurtful if the information comes back to you via other channels. You may have heard of the saying: “The best form of defence is attack”. Attack is not the most effective and efficient form of defence, but people may attack if they feel pushed into a corner – especially some people on the autism spectrum. And parents may use “attack” when faced with a challenging behaviour from a quirky child. I am trying to teach myself to “respond” but not “react” to difficult behaviours. It’s easy to talk about, but many times a day with one of our little guys who has emotional regulation dysfunction I have to make a BIG effort to “respond” but not “react” to his anger and frustration.

It is said that when you practise something you get good at it. This is wonderful if you practice the fruits of the spirit – love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance, but if you practice harshness, criticism, hate, envy, greed … all those negative, hurtful things then you’re wasting your life, and you’re pulling everyone around you down.

So, having said all that I think it is a great reminder that we need to teach our children to be sensitive and understanding of what other people are going through which may be a real challenge if they lack empathy. It is also a VERY GOOD IDEA to model the honourable art of “Minding Ones Own Business” Also it should be a regular and natural thing to discuss discernment and logical thinking.

I highly recommend the logic books by the Bluedorn Brothers – information for those is on your sheet, and Barbara sells them. If you have children over 12 it would be a VERY good idea to buy a copy of the Fallacy Detective before you leave here, and start reading it when you get home. Then put it on the shelf, and get it down again after a while. Read it often! If your children are younger than 12 get the book for yourself and be ready to teach them about logic in a conversational way.

Just to finish this part of my talk I want to let you know that even an extremely diligent and dedicated parent can be picked on and trodden down, which is so damaging when you're already fragile from coping with everyday life. And I've heard it said that most parents are under scrutiny of some sort. But the parents of a special needs child, and, I would add – a HOME EDUCATED child, are under more scrutiny than others. This can make one second-guess their instincts, and waver on their decisions which is not a healthy situation for any family.

If this is you, then please take heart that as you move through various seasons of your life it will feel like the sun has gone behind a cloud, especially if your support systems fail. I have been greatly blessed by the prayers of friends, and just a few weeks ago, after a day of most wearing and stressful behaviour I found a card in the letterbox from a friend of mine who has her own stresses and wearing behaviour - with a prayer and a kind word. This encouraged me greatly.

When you consider the many and varied styles of home education it's important that a family find the right fit for themselves as they go through different seasons in their lives. If educational structure and predictability are important to the family members then ok, find something that suits there. If everyone is more liquid and random, then there's a way to maximise the enjoyment and learning opportunities for them too with unschooling, natural learning, delight-directed learning or self-directed learning.