HOME EDUCATION and the QUIRKY CHILD - part Twelve

A BIT ABOUT FAMILY RULES AND GOALS

I really encourage all families whether schooled, home schooled, unschooled – whatever - all families need to work out what is important to them. Write family goals and rules on a poster with maybe educational goals too. Put it where people can see it and refer to it once in a while – monthly, every couple of months – perhaps put a reminder on the calendar to read through it at tea time. Don't expect children to remember them if you only talk about it once, then its put away. Then, if an opportunity comes along that you need to consider for your family like a trip, or a group to join, or an activity, you can filter it through the light of your family goals. Would this opportunity bring you closer to the goal, or further away?

Now, having older children I realise the importance of reviewing your goals and not staying fixed in your thinking if you want your relationship to be healthy with them. There will be not-negotiable rules whilst they are under your roof, but other goals or rules may have to be changed especially where a child or children are not “regular”, and at the time of making the rules or goals you didn't know what sort of challenges would meet you on the road ahead. Things can become further confused if a child seems to be making great progress with a skill they had previously had major challenges with – but that skill was being learned whilst participating in an activity which you have previously made a decision against for your family. For example, if you have a child who has trouble in social situations, but they join a club and make friends, and are extremely motivated to go along because they love what the club is teaching then that’s good. But if the club is say The Homekill Club where members learn humane and efficient ways to dispatch and package cattle, sheep and goats AND one of your family goals was that everyone would be a vegan … well, that is the sort of thing that must be decided by the family only.

Once again – your family – your challenges - your decisions. Take them to The One who created your family – the One who picked each member and put them into the exact right position according to His perfect plan. Home Education gives you the freedom to make and change your rules as situations change. If you are blessed with someone who will support you, that person should be relatively aware of the struggles you have, and know your long-term goals for your family.

There is a quote by Ruth Beechick that says

“Homeschoolers are admirably dedicated people, and that very dedication often leads them to choose the hard-work, ineffective approaches rather than the natural, effective approaches. They feel the natural ways are too gentle. They feel they’re not doing a good job unless the work is difficult almost to the point of frustration.

I rejoiced when I heard that news from such a well respected educator. Natural Education works. And I like the term Natural education because it really means whatever feels natural to you!

Some children love workbooks – provide them. Natural education is what is natural to your child. Some children dislike books or any writing at all – don't labour over it. If it's important to you that your child learns to write clearly then little by little over the years have them train their body and hand – with basic natural toys, and large muscle work outside, fiddly construction toys, then holding a pencil scribbling, drawing … writing will come when they are ready. Bear in mind that children with neurological differences – wiring in their brain different to the average person – may have other difficulties which are not apparent at first. For example I am just doing some research on Dygraphia which is a neurologically-based learning disability that affects handwriting.

If your child is having challenges in this area and you’re past thinking that he’ll ‘get it’ when he’s ready – if you are genuinely concerned you may be seeing a real problem that could need a little help.

I think what we need to keep within sight with Natural Education is that if the child is happy to do work on an area of challenge, then it’s going to be worth it. If there are tears and struggles, mental fatigue and stress then it really isn’t worth it at all. People will tell you that all achievements have a cost of some sort. That may be true, but for children with other challenges you really have to pick THE MOST IMPORTANT things to work on or struggle with, and only YOU as the parent can decide what is more important.

I am going to set aside a few weeks shortly to work on something that is needed in our family. It is the very sensible rule of PUT ONE GAME AWAY BEFORE YOU GET ANOTHER OUT. I have been working on this for about 20 years now, so *I* am very good at it. But enforcing it is VERY tiring. So I need to ensure that I have energy enough, and can set up enough situations when it suits me to work on that skill. At some point I will need to make a decision and say OK WE’VE WORKED ON THAT LONG ENOUGH – TIME TO STOP!

And now, a short word about “Keeping Up With Other People”. I wonder if this starts for a new mummy when a snide remark is passed at an anti-natal class by a swanky know-it-all mother “My baby is rolling, and grabbing at things already – is yours?” I wonder if these remarks come from a place of insecurity, or blatent bare-faced empty pride. It’s certainly empty to brag about an milestone that had nothing to do with any effort you made. And it could make the new mummy rather insecure in her own mothering, or concerned about her baby’s “late” development.

I saw a case study recently of a young guy who was struggling at school – not only academically, but socially too. Yes, he has Asperger’s. His mother took him out of school, but became burned out very quickly as it took ALL DAY to sit at the table and get him to achieve his required amount of work. She was attempting to get him to complete the same amount of work as his schooled peers. BIG MISTAKE. UNNECESSARY. I guess she wanted to be able to integrate him back into the school system when his challenges had lessened or gone away. Which they wouldn’t. Probably. Adults are cautioned not to try and keep up with the Joneses. I know that is pretty much in relation to material things, but the same applies to children and education. Nobody should have to KEEP UP WITH anybody else. When you think about it its quite ABSURD that these children whom, right from the start we are told that each child is different, are suddenly at age 5 (or younger now) are to be pushed or held back to attain some kind of benchmark decided by someone who doesn’t even know that child!

It pains me to see children on the autism spectrum struggling to keep up academically with their neurotypical peers when it might be so much more beneficial for that child to be putting the same amount of energy into life skills and pursuing their strengths. It seems to be from what I have experienced, and from speaking to others that quirky children are often blessed or gifted in one or two particular areas and it seems a horrible waste and drudgery to expect those children to “conform” to the world’s standards. A terrible waste and drudgery. To say nothing of the meltdowns, shutdowns and ruined relationships that go along with the stress involved in trying to keep up with the world in general.

I’m not finished with my rant about that actually because it pains me to see any child be expected to keep up with a certain “standard”. We are often asked what GRADE the children are in. I don’t know and it makes no difference. I saw recently where someone was returning to New Zealand with their school aged children. The person was asking if they needed to put the children in school whilst they got an exemption for those children. Someone suggested that actually, if the children did go to school during the time it took to get the exemption together, it would be a good idea to get the school to assess what grade the children were at. Just my opinion but it isn’t necessary to know what grade they were in. If someone wants to buy say a maths book and you’re not sure what level to start at – go to the website and look at the free sample pages and decide from there. Enough already about keeping up with the Joneses!

I’D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT ENVIRONMENT

Some children and adults are very sensitive to their environment – sunlight, fluorescent lights, colour, noise, movement. Some people may be sensitive to only one or two things, but others are weighed down constantly by everything all at once. Think about a classroom. Think about noise and activity and distraction and smell there is so much to take in all at once and people dropping things and laughing and whispering and oh no – someone just asked you a question, whose voice was that? Was it the teacher? And did someone just walk past in a nose-watering, eye stinging cloud of cloying perfume … And now, go in your mind to a beautiful, hushed, cozy quiet space where being in the zone is easy – there may be books, quiet music, warmth, light, soft furnishings, beanbags, lava lamps, muffled sounds. Can I be in a busy, noisy environment? Yes, but it takes a toll, at a cost. If I’m in the supermarket I keep my eyes on the task, and I often have a song going round my head helping me cope. This sort of situation is a lot harder for some of my children, but we are learning to cope when we need to, and avoiding it when we can.

I know there are people who genuinely care in schools, and they try to make the environment as hospitable as possible to quirky children, to make it homely and comforting, quiet where possible. But they can't make it like home because it isn't home.

I think of how much I am learning with natural education. I don’t know what Grade I am in – I learn at my own pace with my own interests. Yes, sometimes I need to learn about something I would rather not do, and I try to have a positive attitude towards it. An example of something I’ve enjoyed learning with is a game I invented where I printed pictures of famous people from history, and glued the pictures onto index cards. You can use famous landmarks too. On the back of the index card you write the name of the person or place. It's a guessing game but it can also spark interest for a child – why was Suliman the magnificient famous and why did he wear such a silly big turban? Why do we get Francis Drake mixed up with Walter Raleigh – were they both around at the same time? This is a great game to get out when you have quirky or history-loving visitors.

It’s been fun for me, and also for Esther, going through a really excellent grammar book with her. We see how much we already know, which is actually quite a lot, learned naturally through conversations and reading. Some of the grammar rules are a bit tricky, but I figured we would cover the basics (which means talking about them), and if she is interested later she can come back and study them herself. When there are good feelings associated with a task i.e., sitting comfortably, quietly, no stress, then child feels that resource is a friend. Some children feel this more acutely than others. If a resource is used in a stressful situation like a time pressure, too much noise, people walking around behind them, a small child on a skateboard going up and down the kitchen floor humming happily to himself … then the resource isn’t thought of fondly next time it comes out.

Another word on resources – if you have, say a box of wooden shapes, and you give it to your child and say “This is how these shapes are supposed to be used” – then you might have just totally squashed any creative thought and enjoyment your child may have had with that resource. Much better to present the resource and let them play quietly without interference. Of course, there are limits – we may not put the wooden pieces in our yoghurt, or use them to saw the side of the table.

NOW just a bit on children not doing what they’re SUPPOSED to do.

It seems that some of our children have delighted in taking a task and running their own way with it. If they want to do some pages on a workbook and it says “circle the picture that is different on each line” a quirky child may circle the first one or two, then decide to put a box around the next one, and to colour in the next one, and put an x on the last one. I have two children like this – one big one and one little one. I used to stress and think “He must learn to follow instructions and stay with the task” but now I leave following instructions for when it matters, and the book can be completed in a fun way as long as he respects that Daddy's money bought the book and we don't wreck it. When he's had enough it goes away for next time. My grown-up child who has the trait of struggling to do what he is told has proved that as you mature it can still be a crippling trait, a major energy drain and a huge challenge, but it can be used for good too.

Someone came up with the analogy that we all have a certain amount of energy units to expend per day. You may use say 3 energy units having a shower and breakfast, 4 to get some housework done, 6 to get one child to sit and do their maths, 1 to help someone choose between a jigsaw puzzle and Lego …

Well, some people have less energy units to start with. And we all use up a different number of units for seemingly the same thing. A child who made you use up 6 of your energy units doing their maths probably used a heap of their own as well. We use maths books for our older children, but my chosen way to use them, which uses the LEAST POSSIBLE energy units, is by picking a quiet moment and saying “Shall we do some maths?” If the child wants to I will say “Let’s do some till you’ve had enough.” This might sound very airy fairy, hug the trees to some people, but I have to NOT CARE about “people”. This works for us. My five year old, that I don’t “DO” maths with, was correctly counting backwards the other day – I haven’t “taught” him that. And he was puzzling that nine was in the wrong place. I couldn’t quite work out what he was thinking, but I was so excited that something very interesting was going on in his head and it wasn’t using hardly any energy units at all.

Some children with challenges have more than enough to deal with in ordinary life – tooth brushing, hair care, the seams of clothes rubbing, someone due to come at what time, when will they come, what time is it now, I'm doing this now, what will I be doing next? Some children show you that they’re using up far too many energy units - or worse HAVE COMPLETELY RUN OUT by yelling, getting confused, flapping their arms, clapping their hands, hands over ears, screaming, rocking or other behaviour. Sometimes if they are in a different environment they may suppress that behaviour at a greater cost.